


Don't Know How To Live Without You

by Annide



Series: 1998, or the year everything changed [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Five Stages of Grief, Fred Weasley Dies, M/M, Post-Battle of Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 06:32:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8834074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annide/pseuds/Annide
Summary: Lee Jordan's story: When Fred dies, his boyfriend remembers moments of their last few months together and tries to deal with the loss.





	

**Denial**

                When the Battle stopped for a while, Lee left the passageway he had been defending and helped bring the injured and the dead back to the Great Hall. He was helping a man down the marble staircase when someone told him.

                "I'm sorry about Fred. I know you two were close."

                They must've meant he had been injured or something, because Fred couldn't possibly be dead. How could the world keep going if Fred Weasley had died? It felt like time had stopped around Lee as he walked into the Great Hall. He looked around at people, making his way through the room at what seemed like an excruciatingly slow pace. Even when he saw all the Weasleys together, crying, he still couldn't believe it. Fred couldn't be dead, it must be some other one, anyone else but not him. Unfortunately, as he joined the family and they made him a space among them, Lee was finally able to see his boyfriend's forever unmoving body on the ground in between them. He fell to his knees, then let himself lay down to rest by Fred's side. He didn't cry, he couldn't cry. Maybe he was in shock, maybe he was in too much pain, but all he could do was lay there, hand in hand with the man he loved.

 

                _"You know, Lee, your talking is getting in the way of my sleeping."_

_"Maybe you should stop using my lap as a pillow while I'm trying to do my radio show then."_

_"But I don't want to go someplace else to take a nap, I like being near you."_

_"Why don't you contribute to Potterwatch then?"_

_"Look, I'm a big fan of what you're doing with this show and everything, but I don't have anything to contribute to it. All I can do to help people is bring them some joy through my joke shop."_

_"You have more to offer than that. I'll get you on my show one day."_

_"Good luck with that. Now are we sleeping here or are we going back to my apartment?"_

_"I thought we'd stay here and enjoy some time alone. George isn't expecting you back, is he?"_

_"No."_

_Fred pulled Lee down so he could kiss him. It was the middle of a war, but Lee felt isolated from all of it, alone in this comfortable moment with his boyfriend._

 

**Anger**

                Charlie was the last one to join them around Fred's body. Lee could see a weight lift off of Mrs Weasley's shoulders when she saw the last one of her children alive, losing one was already too much. They all sat there, holding each other, some crying, some simply staring into the distance. Lee still couldn't shed tears. He wanted to, but they got stuck in his throat, threatening to choke him with the pain of this loss.

                As the sun rose, their group diminished. Ron and Hermione left to take care of something with Harry. Who knew what they still had to do now that Voldemort was dead? Then, one by one, Mr Weasley, Bill and Percy had to leave.

                "I have to go too, mom. I'm sorry, things to take care of at work." Percy said.

                Lee knew it was a legitimate reason for leaving, but somehow it stroke a chord in him and he followed him to the Entrance Hall.

                "So you're just gonna leave them when they need you the most again?"

                "What?" Percy was completely taken aback.

                "Your brother just died, they need you to be here, to get through this together."

                "I have to go to work, there is a lot to do to reorganize the Ministry now that the war is over and it'll change Minister. My dad and Bill are already there, I stayed here as long as I could."

                "It's not the same. They were here the whole time. You abandoned your family when they needed you the most. YOU ABANDONED THEM AND THEN CAME BACK AND GOT FRED KILLED."

                "I know," Tears started flowing down Percy's cheeks. "I was horrible. I should've believed Harry and Dumbledore, I should've believed my family."

                "Fred's death is your fault. You were with him when it happened, you were distracting him."

                "I made a joke, a stupid joke. But he liked it, and that's when the explosion happened. Nothing could've saved him. It wasn't my fault, but I do feel guilty. I also share your anger, my brother was too young and too happy to die like this."

                "Nothing you say changes the fact that you weren't a part of Fred's life for the past two years. And now it's too late."

                Lee stormed away to the grounds. He couldn't stand being cooped up inside anymore. He needed to get some air. He felt unbelievably angry and he needed space to walk it off or something.

 

                _When Lee entered the apartment, it looked like Cupid had thrown up in there. There were hearts floating around and flowers in every corners. George came out of his bedroom, he looked quite relieved to see Lee._

_"Fred! I told you Angelina wouldn't be here first. Now get out here, I lost her gift again, I have to find that pygmy puff before she gets here. Hi, Lee, nice to see to you."_

_"Nice to see you too."_

_George went back to his room and Fred came out to meet Lee._

_"Hey. So, I have two options for you on this nice Valentine's Day evening, do you want to hear them?"_

_"Of course I do." Lee answered as he put his arms around Fred's waist._

_"Are you sure? Because this is a little distracting. I'm kidding. We can either double date with my brother and his girlfriend in this nice romantic room George and I set up, or we can get away from all of this and do what muggles do on this day : dinner and a movie."_

_"You want us to go on the other side of the Leaky Cauldron and spend the evening with muggles? I don't know why, but I like it."_

_"Good, Harry explained to me how muggle money works so we're all set."_

_Lee kissed Fred and they walked down Diagon Alley hand in hand._

 

**Bargaining**

                Hours had passed now. All the injured who couldn't have been treated here had been brought to St Mungo's and people were starting to take away the bodies. They were proceeding row by row and Lee could see them getting closer to Fred. He wasn't ready to see him go. Neither were George and Mrs Weasley. While the younger Weasley siblings were sitting with their mother, in each other's arms, Bill and Percy were still at the Ministry with their father and Charlie sat with Lee.

                "I should've been with him." Lee suddenly said, after nearly half an hour of no one talking.

                "Where were you?"

                "I was covering another passageway into the castle. But this was _the_ Battle, you know? I should've been with him. Maybe if it had been me there instead of Percy."

                "First of all, stop blaming Percy, it wasn't his fault. Second, there was nothing you could've done. Stop torturing yourself. A wall exploded. Fred was at the wrong place at the wrong time. It happens. It hurts like hell that we had to lose someone as great and funny as he was, but it was no one's fault."

                "He was sleeping when we received the coin message announcing Harry's arrival. He looks almost as peaceful now as he did then. Except now if I give him a kiss on the forehead he won't push me away and tell me to let him sleep in his grumpy morning voice."

                "Fred never liked being woken up. He usually pranked you in revenge."

                "But he had the best pranks."

                "Oh that he did."

                Lee and Charlie stayed silent for a moment, staring at more bodies being taken away.

                "Is that dirt in your hair?" Lee asked after a while. "Wait, there's some on your clothes too. Why are you covered in dirt?"

                "I went to get some air earlier and fell down in one of the greenhouses." Charlie answered matter-of-factly.

                "You fell down? You think I'll buy that? I remember catching you and Nymphadora Tonks in the changing rooms after a Quidditch match my second year. You had sex with someone in that greenhouse, didn't you?"

                "I... Fine, you're right, I did."

                "Who could you possibly find to have sex with in a greenhouse right after the Battle?"

                "The handsome guy who slayed Voldemort's snake."

                "You slept with Neville Longbottom?"

                "Yes, I think we'll be great friends. It's not like it was with Dora. No one's accidentally misleading anyone and no one's expecting more than it is. It'll be fun."

                "Did you and Tonks ever speak again?"

                "Not about what happened between us. I left for Romania right after Hogwarts, we barely ever saw each other again."

                "Even though you were both in the Order?"

                "I did my part from outside the country. The only time Dora and I really talked was when she started to develop feeling for Remus and thought she'd fallen for the wrong guy again because he was still getting over losing Sirius."

                They looked over to Remus and Tonks' bodies, where Harry, Hermione and Luna were sitting, not far from where they were themselves. It was hard to believe all the lives that were lost during this Battle, all the friends they would never see again.

                "She confided in you, after everything. You must've still been good friends."

                "People tend to be pretty open with me, maybe I just inspire friendliness."

                "Until you sleep with them and don't feel romantically attracted to them."

                "Yeah, that ruins things pretty effectively."

                "At least it's not as permanent or painful as death."

                "Very sorry you lost Fred, I know he loved you deeply."

                "Lee, Charlie, they're here." Ron called to them. It appeared clear to Lee that Mrs Weasley had tried to do that herself, but the sight of those people approaching her with the only goal to take the body of her dead son away seemed to have rendered her temporarily unable to speak. Lee went to Fred, took his cold hand in his and kissed his forehead one last time.

 

                _They were in Fred's bed, Lee lying comfortably on his boyfriend's chest._

_"What do you think Percy's waiting for to come back and apologize? It's been years now. We've never been that close and George and I mostly made fun of him, but I miss him. He was part of our family, he was my brother."_

_"I'm sure he'll come back eventually. Maybe he's just ashamed of how he acted and doesn't know how to face you after what he did. Give him some time."_

_"Feels like he's had a lot of time already, but alright."_

_"You need to stop thinking about this. George's almost home, let's prank him. You know you never get tired of using the fact that he can't hear anything from the left side."_

_"Yeah, I wonder if we'll ever get sick of making jokes about that."_

_"I hope you don't. You and your brother are hilarious." Lee said as he pulled Fred out of bed._

_"But me more, right?"_

_"George has a better sense of humour when it comes to his own injury, but it's probably because it pains you to see him hurt, no matter how much you laugh about it."_

_"Think my brother is funnier than me, that's not okay."_

_"I've always thought you were way more handsome though."_

_"Of course I am. And more talented at Quidditch?"_

_"Sure." Lee kissed Fred before he could think of any more such questions to ask._            

 

**Anger again**

                A week had passed since the Battle, it was a rainy Saturday afternoon, suiting for a funeral. Everything had gone smoothly. Everyone had gone and sat as if they were in some sort of a trance. The shock had passed, they all had time to fully realize now. Fred was gone forever. They would never see him again. Lee was numbed from the pain. It felt like this was so much his brain couldn't process it. He had spent the week going through the motions. He broadcasted Potterwatch to inform people about what was happening now that Voldemort was gone, he ate, he showered. He even lay in bed looking up at the ceiling at night because he couldn't sleep with the memory of Fred who used to be there next to him.

                They were now assembled at the Burrow. George hadn't shown up to the funeral and the absence of both twins was impossible to miss. It was all you could see. Mrs Weasley ran up to her room to cry as soon as they got back from the cemetery, unable to bear the sight one more second. Mr Weasley followed her, trying his best to stay strong and not break down so he could console his wife.

                "He should be here. This is his twin's funeral." Lee let out, with a slight of anger at the back of his voice.

                "Ginny said he hasn't left his apartment since the Battle and won't let anyone in. He must be doing terrible. He and Fred were really close, because of the twin thing." Luna said.

                "I don't care, he should still have shown up for this." Lee replied.

                "Don't mind him, he's been on edge all day." Harry arrived at that moment. "It's nice to see you, Luna."

                "I wouldn't have missed this. Fred was a great friend. I thought more members of the DA would be here though, where's everyone?"

                "Ron and Hermione left for Australia to get the Grangers back right after the ceremony, I guess they didn't see the point in sticking around. Neville's at Hogwarts, he's helping with the repairs. I saw him earlier at the cemetery, he probably went right back. I heard they have a lot of work. Charlie Weasley's actually heading over there tomorrow. I heard you started rebuilding your house?"

                "Yes, dad and I are doing it ourselves. It looks like it'll take most of the summer, but it'll be worth it."

                "Who cares?" Lee interrupted. "You're both standing there having a casually conversation about how much work it'll be to repair your house and Hogwarts, but it doesn't matter how long it'll take, does it? Because it can be done. What can't be done is repair MY BOYFRIEND!"

                Everyone was staring at Lee now. No one knew what to say. Ginny burst into tears. Bill and Charlie took her outside to comfort her, Harry and Luna not far behind. Angelina Johnson was the only who went to Lee.

                "Stop, being angry won't bring him back. Come on, let's go somewhere else and talk. We both need it."

                Lee didn't say anything, but he took the hand Angelina was holding out for him and they disapparated. Angelina brought them to a small town he didn't know where she led them inside a café.

                "Where are we?" Lee asked as they sat.

                "It's the town where I live."

                "Oh, makes sense."

                "Yeah. What happened back there?"

                "I don't know. I've just been having this angry feeling inside me ever since... you know. And they kept talking so casually, just catching up like this wasn't a big deal. I just lost it."

                "I get it. I've been pretty angry myself these days. Did you hear about George? I went there yesterday. I knocked and I asked if I'd see him today, but I didn't even hear him move in there."

                "I'm sorry."

                "Don't be. Today's your boyfriend's funeral, you shouldn't feel sorry for anyone. I feel sorry for you, you'll never see Fred again. George will be fine eventually. He just needs time to deal with this, it's only been a week."

                "My boyfriend died, I'm allowed to feel whatever I want. I feel angry about it and I feel sad for you who's apparently dating a door now."

                "Very funny, Lee. I knew you spent too much time with the twins."

                "And yet I wish I could have more with Fred."

                "Of course you do."

                They started meeting there every week, just to talk. They thought it was good for them to get out of the house and their usual routine so they could meet with a friend instead of dwelling on the twins. In mid June, Angelina showed up looking uneasy.

                "What's going on, Angie?"

                "Well, I'm pregnant."

                "What? How? George is still locked in his apartment, isn't he? Did you have sex with someone else?"

                "Of course not, idiot. It happened before. And now I don't know if I can tell him."

                "You have to, he has to know about his kid."

                "That's not what I meant. I mean now. That's not the kind of news you tell people through a door. How would I know he even heard? He never makes any noise."

                "I'd think this would spring a reaction."

                "He's depressed, I'm not sure anything would make him get out. And I don't want him to do anything he's not ready to. It's normal he needs time, it can't be easy losing your twin brother."

                "You're right. I'm still dealing with Fred's death too. I get angry all the time. No one will talk to me anyone."

                "About that, no more breaking cups around me, alright?"

                "I'll do my best."

                When George finally came out of his apartment in late July, Lee started isolating himself from Angelina. He didn't want to know how George reacted when he saw her pregnant, because there was a chance of some happiness for them, despite everything. People feeling any kind of joy when Fred wasn't part of this world anymore only made Lee angrier, and he hated that, especially around those he cared about like George and Angelina.

                He kept broadcasting his radio show, so it'd force him to be in touch with some people, for information. The anger was a constant part of him now and he regularly threw everything around him in his living room, just to let it out. His apartment was a mess. George and Angelina sent him an owl every once and a while to remind him they understood why he stayed away, but they were still there for him if he needed them.

 

_"Lee, are you awake? Lee?"_

_It was the middle of the night. Lee had been sleeping wonderfully just a few seconds earlier._

_"Of course I'm awake, Fred, you've been shaking me for what feels like forever. What do you want?"_

_"I can't sleep."_

_"Are you serious? Did you really wake me up for that?"_

_"Let's put on our coats and go ride our brooms under the stars. No one will see us."_

_"Yeah, because they don't have a crazy boyfriend keeping them awake all night like I do."_

_"Please! I can't stay locked in this house all the time, it's driving me mad." Fred kissed him passionately, but as Lee turned him around wanting more, he got off the bed, just out of reach. "This is the kind of things you do after a romantic broom ride, Lee. So what do you say, shall we go?"_

_"Alright, fine, you win. Get dressed fast, the sooner we go, the sooner we get back."_

_"Not in a very romantic mood, are you?"_

_"Maybe after I have a little more time to wake up."_

_They put on their coats, hats and scarves and sneaked out of aunt Muriel's house and into the cool April air. Lee would always remember that night. Fred smiled so bright up there in the sky. Neither of them knew it, but it was the last time he would ever fly a broom, or do anything really fun at all. Fred spent the remaining of his life stuck in that house until the Battle. That night was their happiest moment in months. And it was how Lee wanted to remember his boyfriend._

 

**Depression**

                Anger finally left him when the holidays came around. It happened a morning of mid December. Lee decided to visit George for the first time since the Battle. He went to Weasley Wizard Wheezes looking for the familiar face and ginger hair, but found a different picture. George had dyed his now much longer hair black.

                "New hair style, I see." Lee commented.

                "Yeah, I couldn't stand seeing his face looking back at me in the mirror all the time, you know. I had to do something."

                "Oh, right." Lee froze. He had gotten so used to the twins' small differences over the years, hanging out with them and telling them apart so easily, he barely even noticed how identical they were anymore. But now, all of a sudden, with Fred gone, it hit him. George's hair might've been a different length and colour, but Lee could see Fred's eyes, nose and mouth in front of him. It was like his boyfriend was alive again before him, but of course it wasn't Fred there, it was George.

                Lee's anger evaporated at once, replaced by an incomparable sensation of sadness. He couldn't be here anymore.

                "You know what, George, I actually can't stay, but it was nice to see you."

                Lee left a baffled George behind and went home. He curled up in bed and, for the first time since Fred died, he cried. It felt liberating, like it was what he needed all along. He knew it wouldn't fix what happened, bring back his boyfriend or take the pain away, but, for the moment, it felt comforting. He spent Christmas alone in his apartment, in tears, letting it all out, feeling closer to being better with every tear.


End file.
